On this one, the student should try adding some transitions.
American Fork Junior High
20 West 1120 North
American Fork, Utah 84003
March 1, 2017
Students at American Fork Junior High
Dear Students at American Fork Junior High:
Introduction:
Some people in the world do not have a way to get water as quickly as you do, you can just turn on a sink or press a button and instantly you get what you wanted, clean water. In South Sudan that is not the case, they have to walk a long way and a long time just to get water that is not clean that you just got instantly and clean. Water is something that we all want and need to have, it needs to be clean too, so to help out the people in South Sudan you can donate money for the fundraiser that will build wells to get water quicker and have it cleaner. [thesis sentence]
Body Paragraph #1 with the first reason:
Water is what keeps everyone alive, If it is not clean then people can get sick and even die. In the video "A "Lost Boy" returns, transforming lives in South Sudan" Salva said that his dad had to get medical help because the water was dirty and that if he did not start drinking clean water he might die. If you donate to the fundraiser then it will help people live and not die because the people will have clean water to drink.
Body Paragraph #1 with the second reason:
The people in South Sudan have to walk a long way to get water. "Villagers have no choice about what they drink. Water, however tainted, is needed to live. Villagers must relocate during the dry season to be near water sources. Only with the arrival of the next wet season can people return to their homes. This annual hunt for water prevents villages from building stable, basic infrastructure such asschools(1),(2)markets(3), and(4)medical clinics(5).Even when villages are able to build clinics or schools, the buildings can stay empty for up to six months year because the dry season forces villagers to find water." (https://www.waterforsouthsudan.org/) If you donate to the cause then you not only help people live and not die you also give them a chance to go to school, go to the market, and clinics. It gives the people a chance to have a normal life not having to walk the long walk to get their water.
Counterclaim with Rebuttal
Some people may say that donating is not a good thing because they may not be donating to what they say they are. That is incorrect. Salva was a kid and the people he lived by had to go get water just like other people in South Sudan when Salva grew up he put together the fundraiser and started it. He has been through this stuff before and wanted to help the other people that are still going through it.
Conclusion
The people in South Sudan are at work everyday to get something that we have instantly, that thing is called water. It is a necessary item that we must have in our body's and it must be clean. People in South Sudan need our help to get their water to the point where it is clean and easy to get to. Donate to this worthy cause and help out the people in need.
Sincerely,
Madison N
Student at American Fork Junior High
Notes:
-people in South Sudan have to walk a long way to get water
-water is not clean
-people that drink unclean water can get sick
-the fundraiser is to earn money to build wells in South Sudan for people
-the people do not have time to go to school, market, or the clinic because of getting water
-have no time to build schools, markets, or clinic too
_____________________________________
On this one, the student is missing citations and part of the letter formatting.
Dear Students,
How grateful are you for the things you have? Well, South Sudan is one of the newest countries in the world, but it's also one of the poorest as well. With daily temperatures rising to over 120 degrees daily, the people of South Sudan are in need. This country only has two seasons, extremely wet, and very dry. The dry season is the worst thing for South Sudan. They don't have any clean or fresh water during that season. Many women have to walk up to 8 hours everyday just to find water. The water they do find, can be contaminated with diseases and sicknesses. The results of drinking that water is terrifying. People need to start helping this cause because women have to walk hours and hours just to find water for their families. Also, having clean water can help make healthier pregnancies, children, families, and a healthier future.
Firstly, many women have to walk hours daily just to find water. As of May 2016, 282 bore holes have been dug. Bore holes are what supply fresh and clean water to the people of South Sudan. It is helped supply thousands of people clean water. These help make access to clean water a lot easier. Instead of having to walk miles and miles everyday to find water, they have access to it right in their village. Instead of women having to walk the whole day, they can care for their children and families. Women can become teachers and help teach children who haven't been able to go to school because of this. More and more will get accomplished in their daily lives.
Secondly, clean water can help lead to healthy pregnancies, children, families, and a healthier future in general. With clean water, students are able to schools without spreading diseases and sicknesses. They can focus on learning and creating a future for themselves. Healthier and more nutritious meals can be served to families all over South Sudan. With fresh water, a women's pregnancy will be healthier because the baby would be getting fresh, clean water. With the help of many people, clean water can be sent all around South Sudan and help thousands upon thousands of peoples health.
Well, the people opposing of this statement have an opinion as well. Many people question why we spend money on this when bore holes are being dug up and are already helping thousands of people? Many people are already getting clean water for their children and families. Well, bore holes are helping indeed. On the other hand, there are still many who don't have access to these bore holes. Some still have to walk quite a ways to reach them. Donating money could help create more and more bore holes, so that more people can have access to clean and healthy water.
Finally, South Sudan has made progress over the years, but still has a far ways to go. With even the smallest donation, it could help someone get fresh water daily. So many fundraisers and charities are being put together for this cause and are helping thousands in South Sudan. With more and more help, we can help that country become healthier and healthier. The donation you make may be small, but the help you will provide will be huge.
Sincerely,
Haylie T
__________________________________________
This essay needs the reasons stated in the thesis sentence.
American Fork Junior High 20 West 1120 North American Fork, Utah 84003 March 7 Dear Administration, We often take for granite the water supply we have, but others are not as lucky as us. When we are thirsty we just go to our fridge and fill up our glass. Its not as simple as that for families in South Sudan. Children and adults in South Sudan struggle to find and transport clean water. Lots of families have to send their children to water holes very far away every single day. This is why you need to help donate and support those families in need of water. Because they are one of the newest countries in the world they are also one of the poorest countries. For this reason alone, you should donate the money they need for wells in there village because they cannot afford it. They are in much need of the wells but no one in there village has the money to do so. They send children many miles away every day to carry water home for their family. In the book "A Long Walk to Water" Nya has to walk everyday for water that they need and lots of times the water is still not safe to drink. Nya is based off of lots of these South Sudan kids. If they had a well they could simply walk a couple feet and now they have time to help around the house for other chores or have time to have fun and be a kid. Even when they get their water lots of times it is not safe to drink and can get very ill from it. They need to go long ways just for water and it is dangerous. Many innocent kids are dying. You can stop this from happening from a entire village of family's just by donating money to get a well. We don't think much of this problem because we have plenty of water everywhere we go. Since South Sudan is so poor and uncivilized they do not have the water needed. You might think it is too hard and complicated to figure out how to donate money for water for South Sudan. The thing is, it is as simple as going to the water for South Sudan website and it has a big button that simply says "DONATE". Donate the amount you want and you now just saved numerous families in a village in South Sudan. It is not hard or complicated. In conclusion, just a small amount of time and money can save lives. The time is now to do what's right and be the good person you know you are. The money you donate is the best place that money can go. It's a good cause and helps lives that are struggling everyday. Think if you didn't have water everyday. Think how hard it would be. That is why you need to donate that money. Sincerely, Noah M Student at American Fork Junior High _______________ And what about this letter? American Fork Junior High 20 West 1120 North American Fork, Utah 84003 March 2, 2017 Provo, Utah 84601 Editor of The Daily Herald, I would like to inform you of the water problem in South Sudan and this essay will give you information. There is a problem with water in South Sudan. It´s all muddy. More and more people are getting sick everyday from the muddy water they drink daily. Here are some questions that might need answering: How can I help? What exactly is water sickness? How do I know that it is a ¨worth it¨ charity? HOW CAN I HELP? You can help by donating or, sponsoring a well or, you could even raise a fundraiser. {To donate or sponsor you can go to (http://www.waterforsouthsudan.org/)} If you do not want to donate by yourself, or sponsor a well then you can do your own fundraiser for donations. The money will go towards making wells in South Sudan so people do not have to travel to a far away lake for their water. Another idea that they have suggested is make water your only beverage for 2 weeks, save the money that would have been spent on those beverages, and donate it to the charity. This is an example of what life was/is like for the girls that had to go fetch the water twice a day. "Going was easy. Going, the big plastic container held only air. Tall for her eleven years, Nya could switch the handle from one hand to the other, swing the container by her side, or cradle it in both arms. She could even drag it behind her, bumping it against the ground and raising a tiny cloud of dust with each step. There was little weight, going. There was only heat, the sun already baking the air, even though it was long before noon. It would take her half the morning if she didn´t stop on the way. Heat. Time. An thorns."(Park, pg. 01) WHAT EXACTLY IS THE WATER SICKNESS? "Nya knew many people who suffered from the same illness. First cramps and stomachache, then diarrhea. Sometimes fever, too. Most of the adults and older children who fell ill recovered at least enough to work again, although they might continue to suffer off and on for years. For the elderly and for small children, the illness could be dangerous. Unable to hold anything in their systems, many of them starved to death, even with food right in front of them." This is a quote from the book "A Long Walk to Water". In this specific quote Nya's sister Akeer is sick and they don't know if she'll ever get better. This happens because of muddy water. Once you get the sickness you cannot drink the muddy water anymore or you could get so sick you have the possibility of dying. This is a big problem. HOW DO I KNOW THAT THIS CHARITY IS WORTH IT? This charity saves lives by giving people water that is clean and near their village. Most times, it is in their village. Why would I pay for water for someone else if I can afford water for myself? Think about it. A charity is for helping others. While you drink soda, and juice, and all the other beverages you have access to, they are lucky to get water. If you don't want to give to the charity that is fine, but one thing you could do, is for two weeks instead of buying drinks you usually have save the money you would have spent. Donate that to the charity. Or just do it and see what it is like. In conclusion, you can help. You now know what water sickness is and you know why the "Water for South Sudan" foundation is worth it to donate. People need water. Water helps you live. People need clean water. Sincerely, Grace S Student of American Fork Junior High _______________________ To whom it may concern, Water For South Sudan is an organization that finds water near towns in the southern Sudan. Unfortunatelyit needs funding to continue doing this. Water for South Sudan has helped many towns and camps and have drilled 282 wells. In southern Sudan millions of women and girls walk up to eight hours a day to gather water for their families, most women and girls cant get education because they need to gather water every day, and most water in southern Sudan is muddy and full of parasites and bacteria, the results of drinking this water is often fatal diseases. You can help these families by donating to Water For South Sudan. Millions of women and small girls have to walk for eight hours sometimes twice a day to get water for their families. "Water for South Sudan empowers people in remote villages of South Sudan to change their lives," websiteWater For South Sudan,Water In Crisis - Spotlight Sudan. By donating, you can help the people of Sudan live a fuller, happier life. With this organization, we can change the villages and their lives. With water nearby Women and young girls can get education. Most women and young girls cant get an education because they spend every day getting water. "Once a well is drilled, schools, markets, and clinics spring up, and life changes, especially for women and girls," websiteWater For South Sudan,Water In Crisis - Spotlight Sudan. When a well is drilled, the nearby water does not take nearly as long to get which means women and girls have more of the day to do more things. Soon a village becomes a town and each person can now get an education. With water from the wells the people of south Sudan can say goodbye to the muddy, parasite filled pond or lake water. Without the wells drilled by Water for South Sudan, the people in southern Sudanhave a higher chance of getting a fatal sickness from their muddy water. "children walk for milesto collect water from marshes, ditches, or hand-dug wells where water is often contaminated with parasites and bacteria." websiteWater For South Sudan,Water In Crisis - Spotlight Sudan.Because women and children walk for miles they're thirsty by the time they reach the contaminated water, so they drink unclean water and usually get very sick. sometimes they never recover from their sickness and they die. You can stop this from happeningby donating to the Water for south Sudan organization. Some people might not want to donate because they think people can move and find better water. But not all people have the money or supplies to move so they are stuck where they are and cannot do anything about it. Not everybody is as fortunate as others, but we can all help to make their life a little more enjoyable. Not everybody has to donate but Water for South Sudan needs support, so you can help by spreading the word. let more people know about what is happening in Southern Sudan. As stated Water for South Sudanis an organization that digs wells for villages in southern Sudan. They need money to continue doing this though. By going to this website,Water For South Sudan, you can learn all about them and how to donate to help them continue their work. If you are unable to donate, then spread the word. Women and children walk eight or more hours a a day for water, they are unable to get education, and they can avoid fatal sicknesses. Tell people what is happening and tell them how to help. Sincerely: Emily T American Fork JR. High School |
