Which is the best? the worst? Why?
This is the prompt these students were given: Write a story about an event that is meaningful to you in some way. Write about it so specifically that another person reading it will see what you saw and feel what you felt.
The Thrilling Soccer Game
There was a minute in the thrilling soccer game left. Our team, the Vikings, were tied with Hammond
1 to 1. I was dribbling the ball at a fast pace down the field. I could hear the other team’s feet trembling against the hard, dry ground. The light-weighted soccer ball was gliding over the hard surface every time I gave it a soft tap. My heart started pumping faster as I closed up on the other goalie. My teammate Charlie was following me on my right side. My feet felt like two humming birds flying to their nests. The fullback on the other team was pushing my shoulder trying to lure the ball away. I passed the ball to Charlie who was just a few feet ahead of me. He dribbled the ball to the goalies box then he centered it to me. I started shaking like a leaf as I kicked the ball past the darting goalie and into the big soccer net. I started jumping for joy as my teammates came around me to share my happiness.
--second draft by an eighth-grade boy
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The Ski Trip
The event that I am writing about is the ski trip. I looked forward to this event. I had fun during this time & enjoyed it a lot. The consequences it brought was this: I came home tired & sore with bruises & pain. I am glad I went but sorry I had all the pain. I have gone skiing before but I have never had the pain like I did with this ski trip. I would want to do this again but don’t want pain.
-- first draft by a ninth-grade girl
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Last night when I left school I went home and talked on the phone for about one hour and then I went out front and talked to friends and then came back upstairs and talked on the phone again and then went to the store and bout some candy and we went home to my house and watch tv for a couple of hours and played around a while then my mother came home from work we went to my grandmother’s house for a party it was my mother’s birthday we had pizza, lsayna and cake and ice cream and pop and my mother’s sister she came over and they went out to party and then we went home and we got to watch movies on tv until really late like 2 in the morning.
-- pretest by a seventh-grade boy
-- from Narrative Writing by George Hillocks, Jr.
