Slanguage!

Humor -- If You Gotta Go, Start Early

 If You Gotta Go, Start Early

     This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be 

true, but you be the judge. 

     A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her 

language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular 

campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was

fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. 

     She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. 

After  much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM 

COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too 

forward. 

     So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote. 

     Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, 

he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really 

stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, 

but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally 

coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 

     'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the 

pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground 

and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away 

if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a 

great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.' 

     'The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had 

to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there isa supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the

basement of the B.C.' 

     'I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is 

sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, 

particularly in cold weather.' 

     'If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first 

time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.' 

     'Remember, this is a friendly community.'

Back to the British!

You can learn many things from this satirical post:

Michael Yon

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!