Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Monday, March 4, 2019

The Tale of Custard the Dragon

THE TALE OF CUSTARD THE DRAGON

By Ogden Nash

Copyright Linell Nash Smith and Isabel Nash Eberstadt

Belinda lived in a little white house, 
With a little black kitten and a little gray mouse, 
And a little yellow dog and a little red wagon, 
And a realio, trulio, little pet dragon. 
Now the name of the little black kitten was Ink,
And the little gray mouse, she called her Blink,
And the little yellow dog was sharp as Mustard,
But the dragon was a coward, and she called him Custard.
Custard the dragon had big sharp teeth,
And spikes on top of him and scales underneath,
Mouth like a fireplace, chimney for a nose,
And realio, trulio, daggers on his toes.
Belinda was as brave as a barrel full of bears,
And Ink and Blink chased lions down the stairs,
Mustard was as brave as a tiger in a rage,
But Custard cried for a nice safe cage.
Belinda tickled him, she tickled him unmerciful,
Ink, Blink and Mustard, they rudely called him Percival,
They all sat laughing in the little red wagon
At the realio, trulio, cowardly dragon.
Belinda giggled till she shook the house,
And Blink said Week!, which is giggling for a mouse,
Ink and Mustard rudely asked his age,
When Custard cried for a nice safe cage.
Suddenly, suddenly they heard a nasty sound,
And Mustard growled, and they all looked around.
Meowch! cried Ink, and Ooh! cried Belinda,
For there was a pirate, climbing in the winda.
Pistol in his left hand, pistol in his right,
And he held in his teeth a cutlass bright,
His beard was black, one leg was wood;
It was clear that the pirate meant no good.
Belinda paled, and she cried, Help! Help!
But Mustard fled with a terrified yelp,
Ink trickled down to the bottom of the household,
And little mouse Blink strategically mouseholed.
But up jumped Custard, snorting like an engine,
Clashed his tail like irons in a dungeon,
With a clatter and a clank and a jangling squirm
He went at the pirate like a robin at a worm.
The pirate gaped at Belinda's dragon,
And gulped some grog from his pocket flagon,
He fired two bullets but they didn't hit,
And Custard gobbled him, every bit.
Belinda embraced him, Mustard licked him,
No one mourned for his pirate victim
Ink and Blink in glee did gyrate
Around the dragon that ate the pyrate.
Belinda still lives in her little white house,
With her little black kitten and her little gray mouse,
And her little yellow dog and her little red wagon,
And her realio, trulio, little pet dragon.
Belinda is as brave as a barrel full of bears,
And Ink and Blink chase lions down the stairs,
Mustard is as brave as a tiger in a rage,
But Custard keeps crying for a nice safe cage.


1936

found at https://www.eecs.harvard.edu/~keith/poems/Custard.html

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Monday, April 27, 2015

Humor -- If You Gotta Go, Start Early


 If You Gotta Go, Start Early

     This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be 
true, but you be the judge. 

     A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her 
language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular 
campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was
fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. 

     She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. 
After  much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM 
COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too 
forward. 

     So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote. 

     Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, 
he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really 
stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, 
but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally 
coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 

     'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the 
pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground 
and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away 
if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a 
great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.' 

     'The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had 
to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there isa supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the
basement of the B.C.' 
     'I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is 
sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, 
particularly in cold weather.' 
     'If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first 
time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.' 
     'Remember, this is a friendly community.'

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Back to the British!

You can learn many things from this satirical post:

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Commas Count


from Grammarly


Friday, May 10, 2013

A Little Humor -- Extra Credit


Extra credit for bringing classroom appropriate jokes.  Write them out and hand them in to Ms. Dorsey.  We'll share jokes on testing days.
__________________________

I was drinking a milkshake on a cliff and thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy!



Just for fun: My daughter's friend posted this yesterday on Facebook.

"Just now, I looked over my shoulder and jumped when I saw a giant bug sitting there. It was about the size of an earbud on a pair of headphones! A half-second before yelling, jumping out of my seat, and flicking it off of my shoulder, I realized it was the earbud from my headphones."

   At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.
   They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
     The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our leaders of tomorrow."
     The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"




_______________________

Question: What happens when a cow doesn't shave?



Answer:  It grows a moos-stache
Thanks to Ben J. 
________________________________

There's a guy in a house with no openings -- just a table and a saw.  How does he get out?




He cuts the table in half, puts it back together, and jumps through the "whole." 

Thanks to Jett L. 


____________________

Question:  Why was six afraid of seven?




answer: because seven eight nine
Thanks to Jens P. 


_____________________
Question: What is a tree's favorite drink?




answer:  "root" beer 

______________________
Question:  There's a one story house.  Everything is green: the floor, the walls, the kitchen -- everything!  What color are the stairs?



answer:  In a one story house there are no stairs!

_____________________
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news."
The man says, "What's the good news?"
The doctor answers, "The good news is you have twenty-four hours to live."
The man says, "How is that good news?" and then adds, "What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "I forgot to tell you yesterday." 

Thanks to Maika H. 





Just Interesting: Strange Phobias

Found these in the newspaper: Sports Jokes  (May 7, 2013 KSL Sports/Deseret News)
1. What is a ghost's favorite position in soccer? 
2. Why did the football coach go to the bank?
3.  What to you call a pig who plays basketball?
4.  Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
5.  What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
6.  What is harder catch the faster you run?

Answers to Sports Jokes







Other jokes:

Two cannibals were eating a clown.  One cannibal looked at the other and said, "Do you taste something funny?"
Thanks to Sydni G. 

A duck walked into a pharmacy to buy some Chapstick.
The clerk asked, "Will that be cash or credit?"
The duck replied, "You can just put it on my bill." 
Thanks to Sydni G.

Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Answer: right where you left him.
Thanks to Sydni G.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
answer: to get to the other slide!

Thanks to Aspen M. 


What time should you go to the dentist?
answer:  tooth-hurty!
Thanks to Aspen M. 

What did zero say to eight?
answer: Nice belt!
Thanks to Kennedy H.

Where do library books like to sleep?
answer:  under their covers!
Thanks to Kennedy H.

Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
answer:  because it's too/two tired
Thanks to Kennedy H.


Where do sheep get their wool cut?
answer: at the BAAbers
Thanks to Kennedy H.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
Thanks to Kennedy H.

Why was the man running around his bed?
Answer: He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
Thanks to Kennedy H.

What do you call a pig that knows karate?
answer:  a pork chop!
Thanks to Kennedy H.

Why do musicians love earth science?
answer:  because they rock
Thanks to Mykella K. 

What day can you have ice cream?
answer: on sun-dae
Thanks to Mykella K.

What insect is going to heaven?
answer:  a preying/praying mantis
Thanks to Mykella K.

What country do runners come from?
Answer: I-ran
Thanks to Mykella K.

More laughs: http://www.bestcleanjokes.com/cleanjokes.htm

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Harris and Me Harris and Me by Gary Paulsen

My review




(I'm on page 150 of 168. 3-2-09 -- Now I've finished it, and like it even better.)

I'm on page 150 of Harris and Me. Almost done, I've loved going back in memory to growing up on a farm, though without a Harris to get in trouble and risk life and limb with!
This gook is about an eleven year old boy who goes to live with relatives on a farm, including an outrageous nine year old boy named Harris. If you are offended by "body-parts" and "bathroom" humor, and by "classic" profanity, you may not want to read this. Other wise it may have you hooting with laughter.
I picked this up because another teacher in the district told me that her junior high reading class is very much enjoying it.