Sample Essay: A2 Which parts does this essay have? Is it missing any? What other suggestions would you have for the writer?
"He kept trying to make someone say 'no' and they never did. They never did. That was what he wanted. For somebody to lay down the law, set the limits, give him something solid to stand on. That's what we all really want"(Hinton 116). Randy was talking to Ponyboy about Bob. The Soc's only really want is to be told 'no' once, they just do bad things to try and get their parents to say 'no' to them. But the parents think that since they're rich, they're kids can do whatever they want. It is harder to be good if people are rich because they get lots of privilege and no parents to tell them that doing bad things aren't right.
This introductory paragraph begins with a hook, and gives some background indormation. What needed background information is missing from this introduction? The thesis sentence is highlighted in green. Notice that it makes a claim and gives two reasons why that claim is true.
When people are rich, they get lots of privilege. On page 3 it says "I reckon we're wilder too. Not like the Soc's, who jump Greasers, and wreck houses, and throw beer blasts for kicks"(Hinton 3). That shows how many bad things Soc's do. They get to do fun things with their friends and they do very little work. This makes it hard for them to be good because, They know that if they do something wrong they won't get in trouble with their parents.
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In this first body paragraph, the student gives a piece of evidence, gives a parenthetical citation to back it up, and explains how it supports the first reason why the claim is true.
When people are rich, they have no parents to tell them that doing bad things aren't right. The parents only care about what you are doing when you get hurt. In the book Outsiders by Hinton it says on page 116 it says "He's dead-his mother had a nervous breakdown" "They thought it was their fault" "If his old man had just belted him- just once, he might still be alive." That quote shows that Bobs parents think that his death was their fault. It really is Bobs parents fault because they never taught him right from wrong. This is hard for a rich person, to think that they can have whatever they want. But maybe not everything.
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In this second body paragraph, the student gives a piece of evidence, gives an informal citation to back it up, and explains how it supports the second reason why the claim is true.
Other people might say that it is harder for poor people to be good because they go threw lots of hardships in their life. On page 116 it says "My friends- They'd think I was off my rocker or turning soft" (Hinton 116). This quote proves me right and others wrong because it says that if rich people go soft then they will get teased by their friends. That makes it hard for rich people because they get peer pressured into bad things and can only have rich friends.
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The third body paragraph presents a counterclaim, then gives a rebuttal, showing why the counterclaim is not true.
In conclusion, it is harder to be good if people are rich. They get too much privilege, and no parents to tell them that doing bad things aren't right. This is because the kids get to do whatever they want and the parents don't care about their kid until they get hurt.
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The final paragraph is the conclusion, and it sums up the essay and makes it feel finished.
The topic sentence for each paragraph is highlighted in yellow.
A2 Emma B.
Sample Essay A1 Which parts does this essay have? Is it missing any? What other suggestions would you have for the writer?
Why would we (seventh graders) want to read about a person who has so many problems like he ran away, he witnessed a murder, and he is in seventh or eighth grade! His list of problems just continues to get longer and longer with two of his close friendsdied one from severe burns and another from suicide. His friend died of severe burns because they were smoking in an old church they were living in after they ran away and the other one got himself killed because the other one died. More than once this story describes murder (killing someone else) and suicide (killing yourself). This story is titled The Outsiders the author is S.E Hinton. The Outsiders should not be read in seventh grade because not only does describe bad examples, but it makes them seem like good things to do. This book is not a good book to read in seventh grade also because it tells us about things we do not need to know about.
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What could happen to create a more effective thesis sentence?
We should not read The Outsiders in seventh grade because it tells us about things we do not need to know about. We do not have to worry wanting to run away. Why are we reading a handbook on how to run away. On page 62 of The Outsiders, there are many quotes about Johnny and Ponyboy running away. The that seemed to explain it the best is " 'Now' whispered Johnny. We ran and pulled ourselves into an open boxcar." After that, they think they are free from all of their problems. Also, they do some very unhealthy things making them seem good.
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How can the author add citations? How could the author improve the organization of this essay?
In The Outsiders, they smoke saying it calms them down. Also, they do things like rob stores. They even murdered in this story! A quote that supports this is "He didn't bat an eye when Johnny told him what had happened, only grinned and said 'Good for you.' " (The Outsiders, page 59) Johnny told Dally how he murdered someone! All that Dally said was "Good for you."?Good for you?!! That is not "Good for you"! Murdering someone is definitely not good for you!Having a character say "Murdering is good for you!" seems like a bad example. Ponyboy was in Junior High and witnessed a murder. Johnny was in High school and committed a murder! This could have an effect that either scares Junior High students or makes them have the wrong idea.
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Does the first sentence in this paragraph give the topic of the rest of the paragraph?
While others might say, It is good to read The Outsiders in seventh grade because it shows how to deal with the problems they have. While that is true, it is still not good because 1) We should not even need to deal with those problems so why are we even reading about them and 2) they do not always show how to deal with it in a good way such as, when Johnny died Dally could not cope with it very well so he got himself killed. If seventh graders used a character in this book as a role model it could end up badly for them.
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What should the author do instead of creating a list of reasons?
Now as I end I would like to again say do not use The Outsiders as an example on how to cope with something. The Outsiders should not be read in seventh grade because it has scenarios where the characters have problems we do not need to know about as seventh graders. An example is running away. While doing this it also makes these bad choices seem like good choices like smoking calms me down. The Outsiders by S. E Hinton is a book that should not be read in seventh grade.
